Why Stomach X-Rays Blow

Listening to Quando Quando Quando by Michael Buble ft. Nelly Furtado
Longing for another.
 
This post was written a few days ago, but my digital pen, Priscilla, freaked out and wouldn't let my computer have the words. So now that she's given up, here you go!

    It is very early in the morning and I cannot sleep. I'm also feeling very writerly, so I thought I'd jot down a few ideas I had for a blog entry or two. This one is a story. The moral of this story is that embarrassing things happen to everyone (especially me), but I promise you will come away with something entirely different than that. Probably something like, "Sarah does gross things to doctors." Before your mind supplies something wildly inappropriate, allow me to explain...

     There is something wrong with my stomach. the shortest way I can properly explain it is that when I wait too long between meals, I sometimes get very sick and pass out. Its aggravated by physical activity, and possibly stress as well. Senior year in high school, my doctor named it "overactive metabolism" and told me to eat like Michael Phelps.

     This is all well and good except that I have a very sensitive stomach and can get sick off almost anything (which makes me think that my lack of motivation to put everything possible in my mouth as a baby was more an act of self-preservation than laziness.) Anyway. By the time college came around we thought I'd grown out of the weird metabolism thing until it struck with ferocity this past summer. At this point we decided it was something we should get checked out. So tests were done.

     At first they wanted to do a blood test, but they'd already needled me once that day to give me a flu shot and I got really dizzy and queasy and had to lie down (needles and I don't get along). So they decided to do a breath test instead. The breath test was really weird; I'd never done one before. I wasn't sure what my breath had to do with some obscure bacterium possibly living in my stomach, but it wasn't a needle, so I didn't really care. Remember those, like, super-Capri-suns with the clear backs that I always accidentally punctured with my straw? Yeah, they were awesome.. Remember the blue one? It was my favorite flavor, too! Now add that really unpleasant medicinal undercurrent to it, and throw in some sterile-tasting grains at the bottom you have to suck up and make it twice as thick. That's what I had to drink before blowing into that dumb bag. I know, gross, right? Not only that, but I had to drink it through a straw for some reason unknown to me. I gagged.

     Then I had to stay for fifteen minutes afterward to be sure I didn't die. Trying to enjoy the book I brought while constantly fearing every tickle in my throat or hiccup was a harbinger of death was my favorite part. And that's still not all. That test came back negative! So we still had no idea why my stomach was so screwed up!

     They decided, "Hey, since x-rays are so super fun to do, let's go with that next." So precisely one week later, I had an appointment at way-too-early o'clock for a stomach x-ray. Now, I don't know how many of you have ever had a stomach x-ray, but let me just say this much: they absolutely suck. First, you have to take off all of your clothes except underwear (yes including bras, ladies, because of those pesky underwires) and wear one of those awkward almost-paper hospital gowns. You're not allowed to eat or drink anything for eight six hours before hand, which for me, means I was dizzy and nauseous. Then they have you drink all kinds of delicious thick and crunchy medical liquids. 
     The first was clear, until the nurse poured in some sort of powdery chunky-ish stuff that turned it sort of opaque and made it fizz like no one's business. She had me down it and the doctor - a man, yay, as I stand there in only underwear under that stupid gown - instructed me firmly not to burp. At the moment, this didn't register as something that would be difficult to manage. How wrong I was.
     The second liquid was super thick, like glue, and white with little crunchy baubles in it. It tasted about as good as it looked. (For those of you who may have taken that milky antibiotic as a kid that sounds about like I described, double that flavor intensity, and that's what it tasted like. Yum-o.) I had to drink that one through a straw; given how thick it was, I began to wonder if it was possible when it finally massacred my taste buds. I gagged. Again. 
     About this time, all of that first liquid hit my stomach. Literally. You recall that one was fizzy? Well, it made my stomach expand with air until it looked like I was pregnant, which while kind of funny for me was really awkward with other people in the room. This is when I had to stand on the x-ray table and the whole thing started moving around. I leaned back against it, as instructed by the doctor, and he had me rotate in different ways in addition to the table itself rocking all over the place. That liquid is still nice and bubbly. I rolled over, propped on my side, sprawled out on my back, and watched on the screen as the gluey liquid oozed through my stomach. It was grossly awesome.
     We were almost through with the x-ray when it happened. I had just been moved back to a standing position when the doctor had me face him. He's standing right next to me, poking various places on my stomach and asking if it hurts. I guess he poked the wrong place, because when I opened my mouth to answer... Well, I'm guessing you can fill in the blanks, but in case you can't, I'll tell you.
     I belched enormously. Right in the doctor's face. 
     I felt so badly for him. 
     All he could do was close his eyes, scrunch up his face (trying not to laugh), and say, "Lucky for you, that was the last one we needed. You can go change now."
     I couldn't get out of there fast enough. 
     Guess what else? That x-ray showed nothing either. So I exploded in a doctor's face for absolutely nothing. 
     Like I said, the moral of this story is that embarrassing things happen to everyone. But I'm sure all you're taking away is that I'm gross and I burp in doctors' faces. 
     I said, "Excuse me."

On a side note, today was totally awesome. :) Happy Tuesday to all.